Heart Surgery

Some days, more than others, I’m made more aware of my own depravity.Some weeks, more than others, I’m made more aware of my immense need for the gospel in every area of my life. But there are a lot of days in between those two statements. A lot of days- when I’m not so aware of my own depravity. A lot of weeks when maybe I don’t recognize my own incredible need for the gospel. Weeks when I’ve made some really lame idols, and pride has built up some very destructive walls.And in those days in between, some really weird things can start to happen.

A few months ago- the Lord told me to do something. It was a very simple task that only required two things. A little bit of time and money.So scheduled planner that I am, I did what I normally do. I penciled into my schedule “Go buy ____ and give it to _____.”

Some time went by. Some weeks I would pencil into my planner that I needed to have the item bought that week, and yet it never seemed to happen. Suddenly- I realized I was down to my last interaction with this person, and I still had not done what the Lord had asked of me for months prior. So like any stubborn 6 year old, I had my list of excuses ready for my disobedience.

“Well Lord, in case you didn’t notice, I have 2 fifteen page papers that have to be done for finals this week. That’s a lot of TIME.”

“Well, Lord, in case you forgot- my job doesn’t really make a whole lot of money and I’m somewhat broke at the moment. I don’t think I can afford to do what you’re asking me to do.”

I won’t write out the list of other excuses because honestly, they’re so lame they’re embarrassing. (As if the first two aren’t lame enough.)

This morning, I still hadn’t made a decision on what I was going to do. Walking from my class to my car, I knew I had to make a choice either way. So as a six year old again, I decided the best option was to find someone else who would surely help me justify my disobedience.Calling a friend and sharing all of my great excuses (expecting sympathy for my own “lack of time” and resources), I was met instead with a “Well, there’s this place on Veterans that you can get it at…..”

Wait- I think she missed my memo? How did I miss the whole “Yeah Emily you’re right. Go home. You deserve it. God will so give you a pass on this issue and it will all be fine. Stop feeling guilty.”

How instead- did I get a list of locations that I can purchase the item at and someone telling me there are probably other things I can cut out of my schedule today so that I have time for this? Side note: I have really GREAT friends!

Frustrated, I got into my car and drove to the first store she had mentioned, only to find out it had gone out of business.You have got to be kidding me. Well, I guess God didn’t really mean what He said. I can go home now. So much for that plan.

Looking across the street- what do I see, but the second store she had mentioned?

“No Lord. I am NOT going in that one. It’s one of those dumb privately owned places where they charge you TWICE AS MUCH! I already don’t have a lot of money for this purchase. I can’t afford to pay what they will ask me for this!”

I was waiting for the “Just kidding. I just wanted to see if you would drive there. You can go home now” from the Lord.(No, that never came)

With my heart a complete wreck and mess by now, I marched into the store ready to tear the shelves apart (Ok not really- exaggeration, but this is how sick my heart was looking at this point.) I mumbled some lame “Well, God at least give me a clearance rack!” and walked in.

There on the shelf, at the back of the store, was the item I needed. Exactly how I had wanted it. With a big sign that said “SALE.”

For probably 5 minutes, I just stood there staring at the price tag, looking like a complete idiot. I have never bought this item at such a cheap price. Ever. Really? Is this a joke?

After purchasing the item and driving home (which by the way only made me 30 minutes later than what I normally would have been), I was met with a not-so fun- conversation with the Lord about all of this.

See, this whole experience- really didn’t cost me much. Physically speaking- it was cheap. Time speaking- it wasn’t very costly.

Spiritually speaking? It was extremely costly.

The point of this story- is that it’s a whole lot more than the fact that I finally did what I was supposed to do months ago. It has to do with my heart. My own perspective on disobedience. My mentality of “Oh this sin is small. It won’t cost very much. There won’t be a huge price for this issue.”

The mentality of “You know, I just don’t think God asks us to do hard things like that.” (Besides the fact that it’s all over the Bible)

“I just don’t think God understands my circumstance. Because if He did, he wouldn’t be asking me to do something like this.”

“I just don’t have the time or resources to do Your will. When I get it together on my strength, I’ll let you know, and we can make this Kingdom thing happen.”

Matthew 5 and Luke 6 contain sections entitled “Blessings and Woes.” There are these portions where Jesus talks about “Blessed are those who___” and in contrast “Woe to those who ___.”

Blessed are those- “Blessed are those who are hungry for forgiveness, those who are hungry for intimacy with God, those who are hungry for reconciliation, those who are hungry for wholeness. Blessed are those who mourn, for one day they’ll laugh-being set free from what chains them. Blessed are those who are hungry for those things, because if you’re hungry, you’re going to pursue Him. Blesses are those who know Jesus in such a way that it has changed them- so that they’re excluded and reviled and at times simply hated because of Jesus.” (Matt Chandler)

But Woe to those- “Woe to you who are full. Woe to you who think you have no need. Woe to you who have it all figured out. Woe to you who think you don’t need a greater power than you. Woe to you who laugh while your soul decays. Woe to you who are loved by all- because you haven’t been transformed much.” (Matt Chandler)

I confess that today- I needed to hear the woes. I needed to hear the “woe to you who would think your way is better than Mine. Woe to you who would build idols you think can save you. Woe to you when you think you can somehow make up for your lack of obedience.”

And yet in this- I was not met by a Father who chained me outside His house to make me pay for my debts of disobedience. I was not met a Father who screamed obscenities at me and threatened to walk out.

I was not met with awkward silence and disapproving looks.

I was met by the Cross. By the blood of Jesus that covers all of this.

By a Father who lovingly says “Come here. I’m going to have to take some things from you, but through this pain and discipline and because I LOVE YOU- I am going to bring you to a place of deeper fellowship with Me! Because I love you so much, I’m not going to let you stay here. There’s some things I’m going to have to kill in you- some things that need to go, so you can be more like my image. Come, let us go to surgery. Let me heal you.”

So in a little time and buying something physically cheap today, I learned a spiritually pricy lesson about the love and discipline of the Lord.

Come, let us run to the Father.

Come, let us cast off our idolatry.

Come, let us kneel at the Cross.

Come, let us allow Him to do some heart surgery. Oh, how badly we need it.

***Check out: Blessing by Laura Story

I think I have heard the word “last” more times in this past month than I can ever remember. That or I am just growing keenly aware of the deeper meaning behind the word. This phrase has grown all too common lately, “Hey Emily, would you like to _____ since it will be your last_____?”

Last Kids Club month.

Last time I get to sit doing a Bible study in the ISU atrium across from two girls I have had the privilege of doing life with since we met last summer in Mexico.

Last times of sitting in room 421 A with my accountability partner hashing out our junk and talking about the gospel.

Last night of Biblical counseling classes.

Last times I get to clean for my “adopted grandma” Ruth and hear her whistle hymns and see her Bible open on the table.

Last few times of sitting around a table with a leadership team I’ve done so much life with the past 3.5 years.

Last times of kneeling beside a bed with some beautiful kids talking theology and praying for people we love.

My “lasts” could go on quite a while as this chapter that has been open for so long now comes to a closing…and a new one begins.

Last, according to the dictionary:

Final. Ultimate or conclusive. Definite.

As I was overwhelmed with thinking about all of these “lasts”, the Lord gave me this picture that brought me to my knees as I was struck with one “last” that is coming.

In Revelation 21 John writes these words of Christ, the One seated on the throne- the beginning and the end:

“It is done.”

The final “last” has come.

He will look at me and say “It is done.”

The last lie will be stripped from me. In its place a foundation of truth never to be destroyed again.

The last fear will be ripped away as my eyes behold my God. Only faith remains.

The last time of demanding “my way.” Now I am brought into perfect submission of His way.

The last drop of pride will fall. Humility and surrender cover me like a cloak.

The last part of me that screams unbelief is silenced forever. Instead I am bound into beautiful belief that will never again deny, never again doubt, never again stumble or desire sinfully.

The last selfish motive will crumble. Everything I have will be laid at His feet.

The last act of injustice will be stopped. Perfect justice will reign forever.

The last devastating cycle of addiction will be no more. Incomprehensible freedom will touch us.

The last act of self righteousness will be devastated. The blood of Jesus has forever been enough.

I can’t stop thinking of that moment when all of this will fall away- all my diseased heart, selfish ambitions, devastating pride, fears, unbelief, stubbornness, lies.

Done. It’s final. It’s ultimate and conclusive. Definite. No more. The final last has come.

As I shared parts of this with my accountability partner today I asked myself the questions, “So how does all of this change the way I live TODAY. If all of these “lasts” are still coming and are not here yet, where does that leave me today?”

And surprise (or not) it brought me back to the only place it should.

The gospel.

All of the lasts I stated previously were met out on the Cross. All of my lies. My fears, my demands, my pride, unbelief/fear/doubt, selfish motives, self righteousness. When Christ looked at me He saw all of that (past, present, future sin), and as He met out the punishment that should have been mine, he uttered these last words, “It is finished.”

The last has come.

The curtain has been torn.

I now have access to a beautiful God who looks at me- and doesn’t see me, broken and depraved as I am, but instead sees Jesus Christ and His blood poured over my life.

“Justified. Made new. Redeemed.”

The Cross- a beautiful illustration of “last.” Done. Final. Ultimate and conclusive. Definitive. No more.

Christ has won.

So today I get to worship under the shadow of a bloody cross that screams of how much my sin costs and of how great a God I have that He would pay that for me.

I will wait for my God here, clinging tightly to the work He has done that we might be free. May my hands be bloody because I have refused to let go of the cross and all of its sanctifying power in my life. May my feet be weary and achy because I have fought so hard to bring others to the cross with me. May my hands be exhausted as I have served my King until my last breath. May my voice be hoarse from the constant praises and prayers that have gone out. May my eyes now be blind to the lusts and desires of the world, and opened only to the Light of Life.

And as the final last has come, when the curtain falls and the main character (Jesus Christ) walks onto the stage- I will get to see the completed, beautiful story of a God who has reconciled all things to Himself.

And may the first words coming from our lips in that moment be:

“WORTHY IS THE LAMB WHO WAS SLAIN, TO RECEIVE POWER AND WEALTH AND WISDOM AND MIGHT AND HONOR AND GLORY AND BLESSING!”

Remembering the Cross

In one of the final scenes from the movie “Passion of the Christ” you find Jesus in his last moments on the cross committing his spirit to the Father. As he mumbles out his last few words and death finally overtakes him, the movie focuses on a raindrop falling from the sky and hitting the ground with tremendous force, following by an earthquake and darkness. The scene then switches to Pilate in his house as things are falling on the floor all around him, John and Mary who stand at the foot of the Cross looking up at their Savior, and then finally a scene of the temple as the earthquake rips one of the rooms in half and tears apart the curtain to the holy of holies. As the religious leaders stumble around the room, watching things catch on fire and see the “destruction” of their holy place, the camera zooms in on one priest who stands there looking at the torn curtain. He begins to tear at his clothes and weep.

I just couldn’t get over this scene.

I couldn’t get past the guard who throws the spear in Jesus side and as the foundation of the world begins to shake, he falls on his knees and looks up at the man on the Cross.

I couldn’t get past the priest tearing at his garments and weeping.

I couldn’t get past the image of Satan screaming from the pits of hell as he recognizes what has happened.

I know this may seem very random, but go back to Exodus 20 with me.

¹⁸Now when all the people saw the thunder and the flashes of lightning and the sound of the trumpet and the mountain smoking, the people were afraid and trembled, and they stood far off ¹⁹and said to Moses, "You speak to us, and we will listen; but do not let God speak to us, lest we die." ²⁰ Moses said to the people, "Do not fear, for God has come to test you, that the fear of him may be before you, that you may not sin." ²¹The people stood far off, while Moses drew near to the thick darkness where God was.

Here we have this picture of God- the God whose presence came onto a mountain and Moses had to be the representative for the people. A God so holy that if even an animal touched the mountain it had to be put to death. A God you don’t play games with.

A system in which sin was paid for by the blood of bulls and goats. Where someone else had to go into the holy places to speak to God for the people.

The writer of Hebrews 12 writes these words:

¹⁸For you have not come to what may be touched, a blazing fire and darkness and gloom and a tempest ¹⁹and the sound of a trumpet and a voice whose words made the hearers beg that no further messages be spoken to them. ²⁰For they could not endure the order that was given, "If even a beast touches the mountain, it shall be stoned." ²¹Indeed, so terrifying was the sight that Moses said, "I tremble with fear."

²²But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, ²³and to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, ²⁴and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.

What changed the scene? What changed the scene from the altar where a priest is standing over a lamb ready to take knife to its heart, a scene of fire and smoke pouring out of a mountain- to this picture of us dwelling with God in Zion? Of a God who has now “moved into the neighborhood” and dwelt among us?

The cross.

The Cross changed everything.

The cross. The central part in the story. The one thing generations of people waited and longed for in the Old Testament. The Cross. The one thing generations of people today are continuing to miss and forget.

The difference between the apostle John who writes “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins,” and the priest who tears at his clothes in rejection of all Jesus had come for.

The difference between Satan screaming and ripping at himself as Christ has “disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him” and the guard who cries out “Surely this man was the Son of God!”

See, I forget the cross all the time. And I can live in this really weird place where sometimes I still think of God as though I am living in Exodus 20. A God so angered and wrathful over my sin that I fear and tremble and don’t want to approach His presence. A God who might just squash me if I make one too many mistakes. When really I am living in the second part of Hebrews 12 that states I am no longer a subject of God’s wrath- because Jesus took ALL that for me on the Cross. He bore every ounce of the wrath of God in my place.

I have a God that invites me to run to Him when I sin. A God who looks at me and says “Come here. Come dwell with me! Come let me make you into my own image to glorify me.”

The death of Jesus- His murder, not like Abel’s- a homicide which cried out for vengeance- became a proclamation of grace!

The difference of the people in the scenes from the Passion (and I realize this is just a Hollywood portrayal of what happened) and their reactions is those who understood the Cross and those who chose to reject it.

We have a God who is invited us to dwell with Him. A God who is inviting us into the most intimate, phenomenal relationship the world has ever known. A God who is so holy that creatures cannot cease to sing his praises. And a God who has come down- who became flesh, and dwelt among us that we might be free.

See, we're not the main characters in the story. We're not the central part. Jesus is the hero, the main character. The Cross the central part.

May our reaction to the Cross today be one that brings us to our knees in repentance and stirs in us a hate for our sin. Jesus grant to us a spirit of repentance! And as we understand the depths of our depravity and who are- may it bring us to run 180 miles an hour into the arms of the God who has invited us to dwell forever with Him in Zion.

Glory forever to the Lamb who was slain and who has conquered forever! Amen.