Some days, more than others, I’m made more aware of my own depravity.Some weeks, more than others, I’m made more aware of my immense need for the gospel in every area of my life. But there are a lot of days in between those two statements. A lot of days- when I’m not so aware of my own depravity. A lot of weeks when maybe I don’t recognize my own incredible need for the gospel. Weeks when I’ve made some really lame idols, and pride has built up some very destructive walls.And in those days in between, some really weird things can start to happen.
A few months ago- the Lord told me to do something. It was a very simple task that only required two things. A little bit of time and money.So scheduled planner that I am, I did what I normally do. I penciled into my schedule “Go buy ____ and give it to _____.”
Some time went by. Some weeks I would pencil into my planner that I needed to have the item bought that week, and yet it never seemed to happen. Suddenly- I realized I was down to my last interaction with this person, and I still had not done what the Lord had asked of me for months prior. So like any stubborn 6 year old, I had my list of excuses ready for my disobedience.
“Well Lord, in case you didn’t notice, I have 2 fifteen page papers that have to be done for finals this week. That’s a lot of TIME.”
“Well, Lord, in case you forgot- my job doesn’t really make a whole lot of money and I’m somewhat broke at the moment. I don’t think I can afford to do what you’re asking me to do.”
I won’t write out the list of other excuses because honestly, they’re so lame they’re embarrassing. (As if the first two aren’t lame enough.)
This morning, I still hadn’t made a decision on what I was going to do. Walking from my class to my car, I knew I had to make a choice either way. So as a six year old again, I decided the best option was to find someone else who would surely help me justify my disobedience.Calling a friend and sharing all of my great excuses (expecting sympathy for my own “lack of time” and resources), I was met instead with a “Well, there’s this place on Veterans that you can get it at…..”
Wait- I think she missed my memo? How did I miss the whole “Yeah Emily you’re right. Go home. You deserve it. God will so give you a pass on this issue and it will all be fine. Stop feeling guilty.”
How instead- did I get a list of locations that I can purchase the item at and someone telling me there are probably other things I can cut out of my schedule today so that I have time for this? Side note: I have really GREAT friends!
Frustrated, I got into my car and drove to the first store she had mentioned, only to find out it had gone out of business.You have got to be kidding me. Well, I guess God didn’t really mean what He said. I can go home now. So much for that plan.
Looking across the street- what do I see, but the second store she had mentioned?
“No Lord. I am NOT going in that one. It’s one of those dumb privately owned places where they charge you TWICE AS MUCH! I already don’t have a lot of money for this purchase. I can’t afford to pay what they will ask me for this!”
I was waiting for the “Just kidding. I just wanted to see if you would drive there. You can go home now” from the Lord.(No, that never came)
With my heart a complete wreck and mess by now, I marched into the store ready to tear the shelves apart (Ok not really- exaggeration, but this is how sick my heart was looking at this point.) I mumbled some lame “Well, God at least give me a clearance rack!” and walked in.
There on the shelf, at the back of the store, was the item I needed. Exactly how I had wanted it. With a big sign that said “SALE.”
For probably 5 minutes, I just stood there staring at the price tag, looking like a complete idiot. I have never bought this item at such a cheap price. Ever. Really? Is this a joke?
After purchasing the item and driving home (which by the way only made me 30 minutes later than what I normally would have been), I was met with a not-so fun- conversation with the Lord about all of this.
See, this whole experience- really didn’t cost me much. Physically speaking- it was cheap. Time speaking- it wasn’t very costly.
Spiritually speaking? It was extremely costly.
The point of this story- is that it’s a whole lot more than the fact that I finally did what I was supposed to do months ago. It has to do with my heart. My own perspective on disobedience. My mentality of “Oh this sin is small. It won’t cost very much. There won’t be a huge price for this issue.”
The mentality of “You know, I just don’t think God asks us to do hard things like that.” (Besides the fact that it’s all over the Bible)
“I just don’t think God understands my circumstance. Because if He did, he wouldn’t be asking me to do something like this.”
“I just don’t have the time or resources to do Your will. When I get it together on my strength, I’ll let you know, and we can make this Kingdom thing happen.”
Matthew 5 and Luke 6 contain sections entitled “Blessings and Woes.” There are these portions where Jesus talks about “Blessed are those who___” and in contrast “Woe to those who ___.”
Blessed are those- “Blessed are those who are hungry for forgiveness, those who are hungry for intimacy with God, those who are hungry for reconciliation, those who are hungry for wholeness. Blessed are those who mourn, for one day they’ll laugh-being set free from what chains them. Blessed are those who are hungry for those things, because if you’re hungry, you’re going to pursue Him. Blesses are those who know Jesus in such a way that it has changed them- so that they’re excluded and reviled and at times simply hated because of Jesus.” (Matt Chandler)
But Woe to those- “Woe to you who are full. Woe to you who think you have no need. Woe to you who have it all figured out. Woe to you who think you don’t need a greater power than you. Woe to you who laugh while your soul decays. Woe to you who are loved by all- because you haven’t been transformed much.” (Matt Chandler)
I confess that today- I needed to hear the woes. I needed to hear the “woe to you who would think your way is better than Mine. Woe to you who would build idols you think can save you. Woe to you when you think you can somehow make up for your lack of obedience.”
And yet in this- I was not met by a Father who chained me outside His house to make me pay for my debts of disobedience. I was not met a Father who screamed obscenities at me and threatened to walk out.
I was not met with awkward silence and disapproving looks.
I was met by the Cross. By the blood of Jesus that covers all of this.
By a Father who lovingly says “Come here. I’m going to have to take some things from you, but through this pain and discipline and because I LOVE YOU- I am going to bring you to a place of deeper fellowship with Me! Because I love you so much, I’m not going to let you stay here. There’s some things I’m going to have to kill in you- some things that need to go, so you can be more like my image. Come, let us go to surgery. Let me heal you.”
So in a little time and buying something physically cheap today, I learned a spiritually pricy lesson about the love and discipline of the Lord.
Come, let us run to the Father.
Come, let us cast off our idolatry.
Come, let us kneel at the Cross.
Come, let us allow Him to do some heart surgery. Oh, how badly we need it.
***Check out: Blessing by Laura Story
